


It's No Good

by NobodysDiary



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Anxiety, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Feelings Realization, I hope these tags are correct, M/M, Multi, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 11:27:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19811341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NobodysDiary/pseuds/NobodysDiary
Summary: You like books, so you visit book stores. You get fond of a certain one and you keep going to it. You meet 2 men who are interesting. And you like interesting men.





	It's No Good

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Fading Like A Flower](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/498661) by Roxette. 
  * Inspired by [Sailing On The Seven Seas](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/498667) by Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark. 
  * Inspired by [Spending My Time](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/498670) by Roxette. 
  * Inspired by [Aftermath](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/498673) by R.E.M.. 
  * Inspired by [Leaving New York](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/498676) by R.E.M.. 



A few years ago I started to get really interested in books, so I thought why not checking every book store in London in my free time? I went to this one book store just some streets over and I looked at the books. The owner had an interesting taste in literature and he made a nice impression on me. He looked and behaved almost like an angel, white hair, bright clothes, calming voice, friendly attitude. So, I went there a couple of times. The book store was huge and I loved the interior furnishing. Nice dark wood, it looked great.

After my 3rd or 4th visit, while I was leaving and shutting the door, I saw a strange guy with dark clothes strutting towards the store. I walked away while watching him. He entered the store and he even said "angel" to the owner while entering it which I found amusing and relatable. That was the first time I saw him.

I didn't really care for him back then. Just a strange dark guy, you know. But in the next few months I realized that I was conscious of him. Somehow he attracted my attention. I saw him again and again near or inside the store.  
For example, one time, there was another customer in the store and I started talking to this customer about books. It was interesting. I think it was on that day that the dark guy was aware of my existence. The other customer read a lot of occult books, which I don't own, but which are somehow fascinating to me. We talked for about 2 hours, then the owner said that he'll close for today because it was already time. The other customer gave me his phone number and went out and I was still in the store busy putting away the note he gave me. The owner came to me. He recognized me.

"I hope I didn't disturb your exciting conversation." He smiled.  
"No, it's fine." I smiled back. He made a genuinely friendly impression, my first impression was confirmed.  
"Nice that you seem to be very interested in my books." He smiled to me.  
"Yes, I like the assortment and the atmosphere as well."

I heard the door, somebody went inside the store.

"AAAANGEL..." That was the dark guy shouting. I recognized his voice.  
"I'm sorry, it seems my acquaintance needs me. You should go now as well." Right after he said that the dark stranger walked around the corner.  
"Oh, there you are. Isn't your store closed by now?" Right then I saw his snake tattoo for the first time. He wore sunglasses but it was obvious that he looked at me with a questioning look. One of his eyebrows raised.  
"Yes, she wanted to go now, we just had a little chat."  
"I was just talking and enjoying the nice atmosphere." I was glad that I said something. Being quiet is not really a good first impression. I looked at the owner. "I will go now. It was nice talking to you. But before I go, can you tell me your name?"  
"I'm Aziraphale." He smiled again. What a nice guy.  
I looked at the dark guy in a friendly way. "And what is your name?" He kept looking at me in a wary and maybe a little annoyed way.  
He raised his eyebrows and had a little annoyed tone in his voice. Now he was surprised and annoyed. "My name? That doesn't matter! How about-" Before he could say that I should piss off, I had a moment of madness.  
I wanted to know his name. I've seen him so many times, I just wanted to know his goddamn name. "Oh, I guess it will matter. I like this store and I will be coming again and I will continue to see you. Your name, please." That was something he wasn't used to hearing, it seemed he was now mostly surprised and only a little annoyed.  
"Alright, fine. I'm Crowley. If you-" He wanted to say something but I just interrupted him again. I knew he wanted to talk to Aziraphale alone, so I finally moved away. "Thank you. And btw, I'm (name). Goodbye, you both." I went by him, went to the door and walked home.

Aziraphale and Crowley, okay. Finally I knew the names of the men I kept on seeing.

In the following months I visited the store again and again.

It was strange. First I was interested in the books only, then I was mostly interested in the books and a little in these strange and interesting guys, then I was mostly interested in these strange guys.

I frequently talked with Aziraphale. He knew books nobody else seemed to know. My time in the store was worthwhile. He was a nice being. I liked being around with him. We talked, first just about books but then we switched to other topics.

Like I said, I also continued to see this strange man named Crowley. Always with sunglasses, always with this great, fascinating walk and with this cheeky attitude. It's not that I wanted to be fascinated by him, it just happened. We never really talked much, mostly greeting and that's it. Sometimes I wondered why I didn't want to talk to him earlier. I guess it was exactly that attitude of "I don't give a f*ck about anybody..." that made me not want to approach him any further.

But one day, when I was tired and therefore unconcerned about my behaviour, I suddenly started talking to him. Again right after the store closed. I was sitting with my back to the door and talking with Aziraphale. Crowley came into the store. I heard the door, I turned around.  
"Why do you ALWAYS wear those sunglasses?" He wore different dark clothes now and then but always the same sunglasses.  
"Why not? They suit me." He smirked. He walked towards Aziraphale and me. I somehow couldn't take my eyes off him. I've seen him many times but this time was different. I never saw him like that. He went straight forward to us with that confidence and that smirk. I watched how his legs moved, how he was walking in a bragging way. I hoped I didn't watch him too obviously. The downside of being too tired. Doing things a little less obviously than I should.  
"They do, indeed." Why did I say that? I wanted to say something more cheeky. I guess I was mesmerized by his commanding and fiery presence.  
My gut feeling told me that I needed to go. I said that I should go and I went home. On this day I realized that this guy has something on him that fascinated me. And it made me worry.

In the following months Aziraphale became a friend of mine. We talked often. I came to his store at least two times a week. I liked talking to him. He was relaxing and friendly. A guy you like to be around. He was surrounded by an obliging aura. I felt that he also enjoyed my calm nature. It seemed that I was a likeable and soothing alternative compared to his feral and proudful friend Crowley.

I also saw Crowley now and then. He talked mostly with Aziraphale when he was in the store. Some things made sense to me and some did not. We were all quite comfortable although there were some situations where I realized that they wanted a private conversation. I just accepted it and they knew that I wasn't interested in some weird secret talk of them so much, I would risk the friendship with Aziraphale. We all got used to each other. I learnt some things about Crowley and he some things about me. But I never had such deep conversations with him like I had with Aziraphale.

On one day I realized what prevented me from talking to him on a deeper level. In my mind I wasn't as relaxed as in the previous months. It was just a little particle in the deepness of my mind. And that particle was seeing Crowley face to face and being so close to him like never before. This image was in the back of my head. It made me nervous like nothing else.

The following weeks were worrying. I avoided the store at all costs. In the last days of those weeks I sat on my couch and watched tv, I didn't leave the flat. I ate fast food. I was just on my own. I didn't want to see anybody, except...well.... But no. That wouldn't be good.

The programme was terrible. I turned off the tv and started listening to radio.

_Everytime I see you_  
_Oh, I try to hide away_  
_But when we meet it seems I can't let go_  
_Everytime you leave the room_  
_I feel I'm fading like a flower_

MY GOD. REALLY? Why a song like that? NO. No, I didn't fall in love with a guy like that. No. I can't. It is really not good. I changed the channel.

_...won't sleep tonight_  
_'Cause I'm so in awe of you_  
_That I don't know what to do_  
_And I'm sailing on the seven seas so blue._  
_Sick and tired, I don't know why..._

No, not in awe. Not in awe of him. I jumped to my feet. "NO. I AM NOT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM. F*CK!"  
I knocked the plastic bottles and the packaging of the fast food off the table. "I AM NOT!"

After standing there for a few moments, I calmed down a little and returned to the previous channel. I was sure there is a different song now.

_...You're not here to see me_  
_in this shape I'm in_

I took an apprehensive look at my middle. 

_Spending my time_  
_Watching the days go by_  
_Feeling so small_  
_I stare at the wall_  
_Hoping that you_  
_think of me too._  
_I'm spending my time_

I took a look at the wall. I thought of him. 

_I try to call_  
_but I don't know_  
_what to tell you_  
_I leave a kiss_  
_on your answering machine_  
_Oh help me please_  
_Is there someone_  
_who can make me_

_Wake up from this dream?_

For God's sake! I shut off the radio. Were there always so many love songs? Or did I JUST realize that almost every song is about love? 

"Wait." I calmed down a little. There was someone who could help me. I talked to myself. "Aziraphale!" I stared at the wall. "Oh no, do I really want to tell that? F*CK."  
In that moment I chose to think about a solution. "Okay. Let's face the sh*tty fact. My mind, and probably my body, yearns for him. Either I will search for help or I will go mad."  
I sat down with a desperate look. "The store is not far away. That means I could just casually go there and speak to him." In that moment I realized what that "not far away" means. The guy I couldn't forget was really often around here, just some streets over. From where I live. I would see him now and then. I would continue to see him even if I don't want to.  
"Oh, please God, no." After some minutes, I realized that I just could phone Aziraphale so I don't have to see the guy I wanted to forget. "Hm. Okay." 

I called him. "Hello?" Oh my God, NO. NOT HIM. It was Crowley.  
"Uhh, hello Crowley. Is Aziraphale somewhere?"  
"He surely is SOMEWHERE." Goddamn, that guy. I liked him really much.  
"You know what I mean. Is he in the store?" I was glad that he couldn't see me. I felt how I blushed.  
"Yeah. AAAANGEL, phone!" Ah, he was in the store.  
"You weren't in the store the last weeks. You finally realized that these books are boring?" He knew that I liked the books really much. He teased me. Why oh why did I still like him and his manner? Damn.  
"They are not boring to me. You know that." On one side I wanted to run away but on the other I wanted to hear his voice.  
"Ah, here's Azi. See you." In that moment I thought about wanting to see him again but....ah sh*t.  
"Hello, here's Aziraphale. How can I help you?"  
"Hey, it's me."  
"Hello (name)! Why do you phone me and where have you been?"  
"I have a serious problem and I trust you the most."  
"Oh, my dear. What happened?"  
"Can we meet somewhere? But not in your store."  
"Sure." 

So, as soon as he could leave the store, we met in the park on a bench. I told him that I finally acknowledged my strong feelings and that I didn't know what to do. He showed me understanding. He said something that hurt. Something that I thought already but that I didn't dare to think about too much. He was sure that Crowley didn't reciprocate my feelings. He knew him for so long and he said his thoughts. I was like a pleasant acquaintance, almost a friend but nothing more. Aziraphale totally got my fear of just telling him all that. We both knew his snark and the thunder inside him if he was angry. It was an important conversation for me but there was no heaven-sent answer. 

Goddamn. I was sure that Crowley knew he was an attractive guy. He was clever, he knew it. And he knew that he could exert power over someone that fell for him. It was not my cup of tea, that controlling and that teasing. If he did that to me about something minor it was okay but I couldn't handle something important, something like my deepest feelings. I had to forget that. I had to forget him. 

It is so difficult to forget someone you can't forget. How can you forget an attractive mystery? 

I sorted it all in my head. I felt a little better and switched on the radio again. 

_...in a universe where you see the worst,_  
_and it's up to you to fix it._

_now you've worked it out_  
_and you see it all_  
_and you've worked it out_  
_and you see it all_  
_and you want to shout_  
_how you see it all_

I started crying. 

After I cried considerably too long I phoned Azi and told him my next steps. He wished me good luck. 

Then I called my friend living abroad. 

It was too problematic to stay in this town. 

I grabbed my most important utensils and packed my biggest suitcase. 

I called a taxi. 

I was in the cab and listening to the radio. 

_Memory fuses and shatters like glass_  
_Mercurial future, forget the past_  
_But it's you, it's what I feel_

At this moment I felt these intense emotions again. 

_You might have laughed if I told you_  
_You might have hidden your frown_  
_You might have succeeded in changing me_  
_I might have been turned around_  
_It's easier to leave than to be left behind_  
_Leaving was never my proud_  
_Leaving New York, never easy_  
_I saw the light fading out_

I thought that maybe God does exist. I started crying again. 


End file.
